Tag Archives: loss

Not Today

I swim forever in an ocean of tears

It is a sea of things lost, unmade

One day 

I hope to instead cry for the things I’ve gained

One day

But not today


DTP 9: Beneath an Endless Duet

“Once more into the fray.”

They spoke in unison, their voices harmonizing as they moved simultaneously. Two blades, one dark and one pale, moved like two parallel shards of utter nothingness and pure starlight respectively, rising, falling, and twisting on twilit air.

The feminine one looked to their masculine counterpart. “Jinx,” the dark one said.

The pale one rolled eyes heavenward. “I was just about to say that,” the masculine one grumbled with a small smile.

The rattle and growl of the gray legion that circled them enveloped the feminine one’s answering quip, drowning word and thought as the opposition spoke with one voice as well. The issued command vibrated the fabric of reality and sent body-aching tremors through the pair: “JOIN. JOIN. JOIN.”

“No,” Pale said simply.

“Better to be at war than to feel nothing,” Dark added.

“ALONE. ALONE. ALONE.” The rally cry of the legion. The observation of their host.

Dark looked to their partner and the masculine one nodded gravely.

“We are not alone,” they said.

“DIE. DIE. DIE,” the gray ones said and, bearing tooth and claw, they swarmed together like the aperture of a camera, swallowing the two in a photograph to last the ages. Dark and Pale were back-to-back, sweat trickling down their faces, their hair whipped by currents controlled by their most hated adversary: the loss of individuality.

Teeth gnashed. Battle cries clashed. Shards flashed.

Love does not really exist, the gray ones taught.

Love does not really exist to you lot, the mirror preached.

To the end, Love, in either respect, would not be respected by either party in the end.

Forged in war, the partners would not last past the settling of the smoke. Their love would not survive past the final drop of blood. Dark and Pale sought ultimate refuge away from the routine and lack of complexity found in the Masse of the Gray, but they had already found that sanctuary in each other. Perhaps they simply refused to acknowledge it, secretly knowing that the admittance of their folly would destroy the fragile dream they had imagined together.

The truth was, peace would never be had between them unless they were at war, and there would be no more war after the legion was destroyed. Their last adversaries would fall to their defiance of the twilit natural order, and the two of them would turn on each other, knowing no other way to exist; no other way to live; and no other way to love…

That is the true pity of it all.

Downtown Platinum (c)2017 Karin Mayville 
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Tomorrow For Sure

Broken down
To my components
Laid on the ground
Like your suitcase
I’m all strung out
You’re exposing
All the sounds
I am capable of making.

I just couldn’t see
you were hurting
“Why the hurry?
You know you make me worry?”

And I didn’t know
What even got through
When I shouted for you
When I loved after you.

I never saw it coming
Sideways lights
Lit up the night.
Story of my life
You left me questions
Half-made impressions
A dozen second guesses
I gotta clean up all your messes?!

And I want to lie to myself
To get outta this hell
You’ve left me with.

What am I supposed to think?
Give up all I know of love–
I built a world around you
And now it seems nothing…
Is as it seems.

made flesh”
I could weep.
You’ve already made me bleed
Your absence is like a knife
That just won’t stop cutting.

But who would I be
To just give in?
You told me I couldn’t love on a whim…
So I did.
And you can break my heart
But not my might!
And I’ve still got my pride
And I’ll still go and hope and fight the good fight
My god

Not tonight.

The Shadow Boxes Back

Memories of you are artificial.
Your ghost reaches passed skin and
squeezes my heart through twisted ribs.
You are not what I remember.
Memories of your doppelganger
cling like old smoke…
Smoke I am loathe to wash away…
Smoke I suffocate in at night
when I roll over and sink in your imprint.
I forget about you for long stretches.
Then, all at once, I am arrested.
My pulse seizes. My eyes burn.
Your ghost shifts my insides
and the whole world turns
and the tears come hot
and the cry won’t stop
and the long, roping scars
rip open again–
You haven’t hurt me since you left.
You’ve been gone and I’ve been bereft
of a love that chooses to die strong
when it wants only to harmlessly
live on.

What Makes the Grass Grow by the Riverside?

Aren’t you a knight?
You seem out of place.
This new age has got us faded
and we’re running out of space

Take me down to the riverside
to walk in the warm mud.
Lay me down by the water’s side
ankle-deep in love.

Aren’t you a vow?
I seem to know you somehow.
This apathy has got us anyhow
and it’s time that’s running out.

Leave me down at a dive bar’s side
where I can drink you away.
Lay me down in a river’s eye
to dream of my mistakes.

Aren’t you a lie?
But I’ve swollowed up my pride.
There’s no telling me I’m wasted…
Why do I do this all the time?

Lead me down to the taxis side.
Lean me against-car.
Lay me down by the curb’s side–
par for the ER.

Take me down to the riverside
to walk in the warm mud.
Lay me down by the water’s side
ankle-deep in blood.

The Law of Conservation in Love

I spent three years in the
cosmic throes
and was never satisfied with myself
unless I was orbitting a starry lover.
I was blinded by them.
Put to rest my old feelings–
It is the star dust that remains that I
must address: I am shocked by it.

Those pieces of me that I
didn’t understand very well
have returned like aspects of the
downtrodden Prodigal son.
I have forgiven myself–
embraced all those parts long thought

I’d been chasing the sunlight sloughed
off by other bodies for so long…
I had blinded myself staring at them
without realizing
they were gassy giants
just waiting to

I am a satellite no longer.
In the wake of their supernova
I have been unmade
and remade.
Their abandonment
made my renewal possible
and now I give off my own light…
bringing me back to my
Star Dust Address:
I am beside myself
because it is not their husk or energy
that I cannibalized to rebuild myself.
Rather, I had been a star all along.
They destroyed “us”.
I gathered my pieces to
come back together.

But their abandoned star dust drifts
on through the cosmos
(like I once had
before I found their light
in the darkness.)

We lose nothing of ourselves.
It seems we only change shape.

I am… unsure
if I should be accepting of this
or rail against it with everything I am
and mourn!