I’m Bad With Batteries

I had a problem with technology the other week that I can’t even tell my mother.
Companion Site said, “Confidentially Create Your Own Significant Other”
“Yeah, right,” I thought at first. “Oh boy,” my heart fluttered.
But 600$, a consultation, and 20hrs later… I sputtered,
“Holy fucking shit, is that what I think it is?”
(Boxed up, resting in peanuts, overnight-shipped)
A mail-order husband, “Ready to meet any dame’s needs–
Just gently insert 4 rectum-safe rechargeable AAA batteries!”

“Into where?” my horror stricken mind rang. “Oh boy,” my heart sang.
“Wait, I have to return this!” I reneged. It had to be a game.
But nope. There I was, pushing a 195 lb crate up two flights.
Waiting for Kutcher to pop out at any moment–or “World Star!” and a fight.
I turned on the kitchen light. Pried the sonuvabitch open and lo–
Blonde, eyes shut, glorious to behold–a comatose beau with a square jaw and sharp nose.
I pinched myself. I scrutinized the invoice. It had to be a prank.
No luck, comrade. Mother Russia delivered a willing, tall cup o’ drank.

“Oh boy,” my heart sang. “No. This has gotta be HIGHLY illegal,” I replied.
Papers enclosed proclaimed my very real hombre was in fact named Brice.
Further reading confirmed my greatest fear and dream:
Brice was the new consumer model of robots, designed for ages 18-33.
(Why only to 33 years old? I have no idea. Company policy?)
But there I was, crouched over a naked machine, wondering, wondering
How drunk had I been yesterday? And Why have I never done this before?
Oh god, I had to hide him–dildos are one thing, but I mean–Jeez, does this make me a whore?
My mind raced to every end even before beginning.
Man, me and God were going to have discuss the nature of my future sinning.

Digging through a chaotic kitchen drawer, I finally found batteries bumming
And–sparing you the horrific “bum” details–soon, Brice was on and humming.
His blue eyes opened and his pretty mouth parted as if he had something to tell.
I thought, “What profound first-words could this bot say to put me further under his spell?”
He licked his lips, blinked slowly, and lay there prone with a semi-erection.
He said, “Please take out and reinsert the anal batteries in the opposite direction.”


Lay an Egg

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